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Carter On December - 25 - 2010

So all of us at GCSA love Christmas. However, over the years, Santa has ceased to do business with us for various reasons. But fortunately, a little mythical fellow came to our aid. This year, we’re happy to share with you the legend of the Ghetto Elf. While Santa is delivering pricey gifts to all the good children in lavish homes, the Ghetto Elf tries to bring a little joy to everybody else. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you live, whether you’re naughty or nice, or anything else. Ghetto Elf knows everybody falls on hard times once in a while. His goal is to bring a happy holiday to everyone.

Below, we have The Legend of Ghetto Elf as penned by Alex Flanders. Enjoy.

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the hood
Not a hobo was stirring, not even for food
The drugs were hid, and the hoes fixed their tops
In hopes that they wouldn’t be found by the cops
The children are nestled all snug in their beds
While fears of drive-bys filled their heads
And as I climbed in bed for a little nap
I envisioned myself, about to bust a cap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the window I flew like the Flash
Tore open the shutters, and hid all the hash
The liquor store’s light shone bright on the snow
Illuminating a sight on the earth below
When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a small elf with a half empty beer
He moved with a sword as big as himself
I knew in a moment it must be the Ghetto Elf!

He rolled in a 1987 Cutlass, oh what a folly
He whistled and groaned, calling it Dolly
Up on my house he flew as he murmured “woo-woo”
With a sack full of toys, and probably drugs too!
And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof
The sound of a gunshot, and someone aloof
This was followed by cursing and shouting galore
Then more gunshots… followed by gore

As I drew my gun and turned around
Down the fire escape he came with a bound
He was dressed all in blue like a great big smurf
I knew in a second homeboy was on the wrong turf
A bundle of toys he held in a sack
And he looked like a hobo opening up his pack
His eyes how they twinkled, and his skin how it sparkled in the light
Oh wait, I’m sorry that was the vampire from Twilight
This elf before me looked drunk or drugged
His clothes looked like he’d just been mugged
Regardless of his appearance or wealth
He began to put presents right on my shelf!

Ignoring the milk and the cookies my daughter had wanted to make
He went to my fridge and cooked himself a steak!
Who was this elf, what did he want?
I started to ask, but then he started to taunt!
Woo-dee-woo! I’m the Ghetto Elf!
So step aside, I’ve got no time
Don’t make me bust a rhyme!

With that the strange man did a funny dance
Then raced out the door, sagging his pants
Revving up his Cutlass, he flew into the night
Yelling and shouting till he flew out of sight.
Woo-dee-woo! I’m the Ghetto Elf!

A true masterpiece, if I do say so myself. For those who doubt, we have some proof for you! Below you’ll find pictures of the Ghetto Elf’s Cutlass and a present from him too! If you wish real hard, there may be an interview or video soon!

The Ghetto Elf's 1987 Cutlass Ciera

The Ghetto Elf's 1987 Cutlass Ciera

A present from the Ghetto Elf

A present from the Ghetto Elf

By Sharp and Flame,

Category: News

10 Responses

  1. Carter's mom says:

    Very clever and I love the snow.

  2. Cody says:

    Ya’ll better behave, I see all!

  3. Cody says:

    Didn’t say that, I’m just saying that I see all.

  4. Alice says:

    lol. this was really cute in an odd sort of way. but it still doesn’t make the comic funny. har har.

  5. Alice says:

    i love the snow. lol, it isn’t wet and doesn’t blow me in!

  6. Alice says:

    …i hate you…

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